When Life Gives You Lemonade

"When life gives you lemonade, make lemons and life will be like "WHAAAT?" -Phil Dunphy

Any other Modern Family fans out there??

There are lots of lemonade days. . .and then there are lots of lemon days.  I think I have the special gift of making lemon days extra sour too due to my shining personality (code for grumpy pants).

On Monday I had a self inflicted lemon day.  Yay.

I spent all day at the cardiologist. . .I mean from 7:40am to walking to my car at 2:00pm.  I am so thankful for congenital heart care and the extra precaution taken with my heart and a growing babe.  It wasn't the long doctor appointment that was lemony; it was sitting at the doctor's thinking about how other people just seem to have it made.

Oh yeah, I went there.  And I quickly spiraled out of the skies of rational praiseworthy thoughts into the abyss of why can't things go my way.

I am ashamed to admit it.  But more ashamed to tell you how often it really happens.

Here's a quick run through of the spiral:  bummed to not have a house; super bummed houses are so expensive; super bummed and sad our finances cannot permit me to have a lighter work schedule (ie freedom from cubical kingdom forever); super bummed and super sad that several of my other girlfriends are in places and stations in life that I want to be in.  And once the comparing started I was face first in the mud of my abyss.

Then I received word that another friend (whom I had already compared myself to) just got great news-she was potentially moving into a gorgeous inexpensive place with lots of space (not to mention she fit several of my grumpy categories above).

That's when I slipped from my super bummed and super sad pity party into the dark dank pit of bitterness.

It smells bad there.  And it makes me cry.

So on the way home I fought the bitterness and grumblings of my need-it-now give-me-what-I-want tantrum-throwing heart.  I knew that demanding from God was not the best route to take, but also felt extreme feelings of resentment.

It took awhile.  I mean all evening and buying a $7 chicken at King Soops before I was even a bit more pleasant. . .and I wouldn't call it pleasant.

The next day I opened to Matthew and blitzed through my reading plan.  Jesus did this; Jesus did that.  Ok, time for more cereal.  But at the end of reading Matthew 20 no matter how bad I wanted to close that book and continue to let the roots of bitterness choke out every blessing God has given, the Holy Spirit said, "Wait!"

And there it was.  Humbling, eye opening, grace giving, who-am-I truth.  Praise the Lord.

Matthew 20:1-16 is a tough parable (especially for Americans like me).  It's a story about a landowner who goes out to find people to work in his field.  He finds people, says he'll pay them a denarius and they agree to work for the day.  Throughout the day the landowner goes out to find more laborers.  He even brings men in at the last hour.  When the whistle blew, the workers lined up from those who were just hired to those who labored all day.  The landowner gave those who worked an hour a denarius (and those pulling the 12 hour shift are thinking, "We're in the money!").  As the landowner moved to each group of workers, he gave them all the same amount, even those who worked the entire day.

They were thrilled.

Yeah right.  The sweaty workers grumbled against the landowner and said, "These men were hired last worked only one hour and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of work and the heat of the day!"

Oh yeah-that's me.  "That's not FAIR!!!!"  And suddenly I saw myself in the doctor's office grumbling against God for giving to others when I wanted more.

The landowner replied, "Friend, I am not being unfair to you.  Didn't you agree to work for a denarius? Take your pay and go.  I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I give you.  Don't I have the right to do what i want with my own money?

or are you envious because I am generous."

"Shot through the heart!  And I'm to blame!" Yeah, that song might have been coursing through my brain in that moment.

Am I so envious of God's generosity that I cannot rejoice when he blesses his children?  Does my hardened heart really fail to celebrate when God gives good things to others?  

The short and sad answer is Yes.

I get envious of God's generosity.  My heart fails to rejoice when others are blessed, yet I seem to be fine when the blessings are funneling into the Hlushak household.

I often elevate myself to a position where I am earning my blessings and working for the right for God to give me more.  That is a fat lie that will send me on a path to perpetual bitterness, anger, hatred, and a fierce desire to control God.

After reading that passage and seeing me as that grumbling servant that thought I deserved more, I realized that God has done great things for me and that I forget so easily.  He has been exceptionally generous to all his children and he asks us to "rejoice with those who rejoice."  

So to my friend to whom I could not rejoice with, I rejoice with you.  The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.

And I start to remember how much Jesus has blessed me, by giving me his grace and renewing his mercies for me daily. . .

and blessing me with a little lemon in week 14.

Charred

A week ago today, Andy and I headed toward Colorado Springs to visit friends and delight in beloved sites.  As early as Castle Rock we saw a little puff of smoke rising from the front range.

At 1:02pm I tweeted, "Colorado is on #fire #again :(" 

Photo tweeted at 1:02pm on Saturday, June 23rd

Little did I know this tiny puff of smoke would grow into one of the most devastating events in Colorado's history.

At 3:16pm while scarfing down the most delicious oatmeal icecream at Josh and Johns with my Florida friend Rachel, I received a text from Andy:  "Don't go hiking. They are evacuating Eagle Lake."

Eagle Lake Camp, Saturday, June 23rd
Photo by Andrew Brown

Around 3:50pm Andy was snapping photos atop the castle at Glen Eyrie with his friend, Daniel.  As they climbed down and they got word that it was time to evacuate the property.  The fire was coming.


At 4:15pm it was time to go.  Rachel got a text from her host home that they were preparing to evacuate.  She needed to go gather her belongings.  We hugged and said we'd always remember the time the fire made us say goodbye.

At 8:32pm we drove away from the Springs while I watch flames dance on top of nearby ridges.  My heart was anxious for how the land, the homes, the people, would fare through this event.

For the next five days I became glued to KKTV.com and the Gazette website.  I was hungry for up-to-date information and constantly searching for burn area maps.  I prayed and pleaded for the safety and protection of the places that were so dear to my heart, namely, Eagle Lake Camp, nestled in the pines of Pike National Forest.

Eagle Lake opened my eyes to the wonders of God, discipleship, ministry, and Colorado.  After serving there in the summer of 2003, my was palate was prepped for a more permanent western adventure.  I served there again in 2004, and after graduating from Florida State, I packed up everything I could stuff in my '93 Toyota Camry and headed west to serve at Eagle Lake for two more summers.

Eagle Lake, 2006

Each day the fire crawled closer and closer toward the camp property.  I had painfully clear images of flames licking up girls camp where a cough drop is still stuck to a board in Marigold cabin from when I was a sick counselor in 2004; and of flames tearing through the Dining Hall where I once yelled, "it dusty in here?" to give announcements to the campers; and flames consuming the path to Bear Rock where we led never ending lunch hikes with whiny voices only for their mourning to turn to joy when they approached the summit and stuffed their little mouths with pb&j's in front of a majestic vista.  It hurt to think about the pristine property, lying quiet, still untouched, while a fire pillaged surrounding acres.

Aftermath of Saturday, June 23

Aftermath of Sunday, June 24

Aftermath on Monday, June 25

I think the pain was magnified knowing what heartache comes in the aftermath of fire.  In August of 2009, I returned from a hike only to see a column of the thickest, blackest, most angry smoke I have ever seen coming from the direction of my home.  Instinctively I knew that my life was changing as I headed closer.  I ran through the maze of condos and into the sight of flames ripping through my tiny dwelling space.

My bedroom.
Photo compliments of Stellar Propeller Studios

Fight fires.
Photo compliments of Stellar Propeller Studios

I cannot describe to you the feeling of absolute helplessness I experienced I as looked on.  There was nothing I could do.  Even if I threw my body on the flames themselves, I would not have stopped their consuming power.  But louder than the sirens, louder than the clamor of the crowd, and the media frenzy, was the whisper of the Holy Spirit with these words,

"I will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in me."  Isaiah 26:3

The day after.
Photo compliments of Stellar Propeller Studios

The months to come were nothing short of difficult and painful.  I will tell you, rebuilding it all is a journey.  But there are untold blessings in each of those days.  Experiences I never would have chosen, created a channel so deep and directly to God.  The family of God rallied around me and provided for my needs.  My friend, Allison, looked me in the eyes as my condo burned in the background and said, "I want to be here for you, and I'll stay if you want me too, but do you want me to go buy you some underwear?"  Blessings all around.

My computer and glasses.
Photo compliments of Stellar Propeller Studios

I know a little bit of the grief, but I know the gift.  I know that if the Lord decided it was time to take Eagle Lake, that there would be his merciful hand there to bless the newness that would come.  I still wondered with a heavy heart, what God would do in the midst of this trial.

Throughout this all, I continually thought of the story in Daniel of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who enraged King Nebuchadnezzar by worshiping the Living God.  The King planned to throw these men into a fiery furnace to watch them burn alive.  Their response amazes me each time:

"O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter.  If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king.  But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."  Daniel 3:16-18

God is able.  But if he doesn't?  We will still worship him alone, because he alone is Good.

The infrared scans continued to pour in and on Monday, the camp was clearly being attacked and eventually surrounded.  Until yesterday I did not know the outcome.

By Tuesday, June 26, camp was surrounded.

At 3:22pm on Friday, June 29th, I received a text from my friend Jamie who was attending a Navigators meeting, "the cross at Eagle Lake is still standing."

A beam of hope.

At 4:35pm Jamie continued, "A firefighter said there were some truly miraculous things that happened."

I learned that through it all the damage to structures at Eagle Lake was minimal.  The forest melted in the furnace and has left some sad scarring, but at the heart of Eagle Lake, aspen leaves are dancing and stately pines grace the hill.

The cross at Eagle Lake, 2006

I praise God for his mercy and choosing to allow camp to remain.

With that said, the fire marched on.

I know that within a few hours on Tuesday, June 26th at around 4:30pm flames ripped down the foothills and devoured an estimated 346 homes, including seven homes of Navigator staff.  My heart aches for them and the moment the victims will lay eyes on the scarred properties where their homes once stood.  I can only continue to pray and hope with them that in the days to come God will be there providing the utmost care for their deepest needs.

I am so thankful for the power of God and continue to submit to the fact that his ways will always be above my understanding.

Praise the Living God.

Crashing and Burning

Crash and Burn.

Almost.

[God put three incredible women in my path yesterday

 to give me the truth I needed at just the right time.]

(c) Jeanne Miller Photography

As I entered my work's parking lot yesterday morning it was like turning into a wall; emotionally broken in pieces conveniently seconds before I need to walk into the office.  It came on immediately with no warning.  It was like one of those mid-west tornadoes that comes before you can dive into hiding.

No sirens.  No warning. No hiding for me.

I walk into the office and there is Margo-who loves Jesus-greeting me like she does everyday, with a warm smile and bright eyes.

'Margo, somethings wrong.  I am still so sore all over my chest and I feel so overwhelmed.  There's pressure and stress that I feel is working it's way throughout my body and I am now cracked and breaking.'

Margo took me on a walk as I blotted my tears mixed with mascara away from my eyes with a crumbled tissue.  Margo comforted me with words that soothed the aching parts of my heart.  She affirmed me and gave credit to my emotional exhaustion.  As we talked I begin to realize how much my identity is still tied so tightly to what I do.  The last thing I want is to disappoint someone, or not do enough, or fail, or be lazy.

So here I am, three months after open heart surgery and I am looking to my left and to my right saying, "I must be like them."  What 29 year old childless woman is not working full-time?  Why can't I do more?  Why should I have excuses?

I feel like a wimp;  like I'm milking this surgery thing.  The American girl culture keeps singing it's deceptive song, telling me to pull my skirt up, and that the skirt better be cute and wrinkle free; and that I need to earn the money to make my modest dreams come true; and to purchase my own carpet shampooer so I can steam clean whenever I feel like it.

Next I went to the funeral of a very lovely, godly woman, who, at 51, was finally taken from this earth after a  six year battle with cancer.  At her funeral hundreds of wet eyes gathered to celebrate this woman who touched their lives.  I had known her for less than a year, but she had become a prayer warrior for me as I anxiously approached surgery.  One Sunday, after a church service and after my surgery, she grabbed my hand and said, "Don't go too fast too soon.  If you need someone to tell you to stop and say 'no,' just give me a call."

Though Gloria is no longer available for a phone call, it was her voice ringing loud and clear yesterday-'Stop, Lauren, it's ok to say no.  It's ok to rest.'

Gloria is now with Jesus, but he was still using her to minister to my soul.  In God's sovereignty and perfect time he used Gloria's celebration service to remind me of what I needed to hear:  It's time to slow down.

After the funeral I had my final encounter with Kristen, New City Church's pastor's wife (and so much more), who embraced me as I confessed my emotional frailty.  We talked in that church about the hardships of life.  From the lips of this godly woman came words of affirmation and support.  And she commented, "Maybe it's like you're trying to trust God, but your still holding on."  Holding on to that proverbial rope of my life.

I get scared to trust God completely.  Especially with all the obstacles that combat the truth of his love, wisdom, and power.

I fear failing.
I fear disappointing.
I fear being lazy.
I fear not having enough money.
I fear I'm not doing enough.
I fear that I will lose the things I desire to keep.
I fear losing the dreams that I have.

It's time for it all to melt away in the light of the face of Christ.

It's time to start humming that old Baptist hymn:
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face.
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
in the light of his glory and grace."

It's time to admit I'm frail.  It's time to admit I can't.

It's time to return to my first love.  It's time to look in the face of Jesus.

Good Friday

Today is Good Friday.  

(c) Hlushak Creative

Today we remember Jesus, the cross, and why he gave his life for us.

The reality of my own depravity ironically gets lost in a sea of me.  I easily forget the sheer darkness that covered me, the juxtaposition of wonderful impossibility that separated me from God.  Forgetting that I, in and of myself, have no hope of detachment from my own perversion.  I am a slave to sin, a slave bound to following every corrupt inkling, every irrational fear, always fighting for my own gain, unable to ever part from failure.

Today is a day to remember what the cross really means; what Jesus endured to enable us to have relationship with him.

Today is the Great Exchange.

"God did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all."

My life for His.

Each day we will be distracted, and often we return to being unaware of what Jesus did for us.  I encourage you, my friends, to pursue Jesus today.  That we all might be humbled by his love and obedience.  That we might remember why he died.  That gratitude would well up in our hearts and spill into our lives.

Last year Andy and I started a tradition we hope to carry on as long as we have breath.  On Good Friday we set aside time in the evening with a couple from our community.  Together we reflect on the cross.  We worship.  We pray.  We seek God.  We thank Him.  Together we remember.  We take communion. We read Scripture.  We listen.   We rejoice.

It's simple.  It's beautiful.  It's humbling.

"Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted.  But he was pieced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."
Isaiah 53:4-5

You can make Good Friday a time repentance and remembrance; a place to direct your eyes on Jesus, taking your family or friends into a place of humble reflection.

We reflect on Good Friday, looking ahead to Easter Sunday, because

Jesus. . .is. . .Risen.  We are forgiven.

(c) Hlushak Creative

Pinned

You never really know who is praying for you, or for how long.

Last week Joey (Andy's youngest brother) came down to hang out with Andy and I for an evening of his spring break.  I will take this moment to give a hearty "Go Cougars. . .University of Souix Falls!" to support Joey as he continues to do football things in the great midwest.

Joey brought down a gift from the Hlushak fam for my birthday.  Don't sweat it.  No need to frantically sign into facebook and check when my birthday is so you can write "HB" on my wall- my birthday was in January.  You already missed it.  I guess you could wish me happy, um, well shoot, Leap Day is done too.  (And just to stick up for the Loveland Hlushaks, my surgery kind of threw off the whole timing of gifts.)

Tucked inside the birthday card, among all the sweet birthday wishes, was a tiny token with this note:

"When Andy was born, Gramma Stowe gave me this pin to wear.  I wore it several times, then put it away to save it for the woman he would marry one day.  I have prayed for you since you were a tiny thing.  You were cherished by us long before we knew your name, because God knew and I knew He would protect you and guide you and bring you to Andy and he to you. . . I love you, Lauren, and I am so very thankful you are Andy's wife!"  -Mamma H

Precious.  To be thought of, prayed for, long before my name was ever known.  It's a small reflection of God's love for us.  Just this morning I read in Ephesians 1:4-6 that "God chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.  In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will-to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves."

That means that before you and I were ever created, God knew he would have to rescue us from our darkened hearts.  Yet it was according to his pleasure and will to form our bodies and give us physical life so as to adopt us as his sons and daughters, all through the death and resurrection of his beloved Son.  In love God created us.  In love God saved us.

You, my friend, are deeply loved.  You were loved before the first tree ever blossomed, before the first bird ever sang, before Adam and Eve ever walked on this earth.

I find the "I love Andrew" pin and story even more endearing because just a few months ago I walked through the surgical waiting room past all the anxious hearts and staring eyes to greet my family on the day of my surgery.  My dad stood up and pinned proudly on his shirt was a Lauren pin that adorned diaper bags and baby things so long ago.  He pointed to it and smiled.  No words were needed.  Threaded among the beads that spelled my name were the invisible prayers of my mom and dad.

A few days after surgery my dad passed the pin on to Andy.  "It's yours now. . .she's yours."

So now I have an Andy pin and Andy has a Lauren pin.  Symbols of our parents prayers unknowingly given to each spouse reminding us of how powerful and good is God's enduring love.

May we have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ (Ephesians 3:18), and may we never cease in prayer for one another (Ephesians 6:18).

Being Judas

"The Judas Kiss" by Gustave Doré   

Judas Iscariot gets a bad rap from us.  (I think I know why.)  But sometimes I think we polarize him into a category that we ourselves could never cross.  Judas did the unthinkable;  Judas did what I would never do.  Or did he?

A few weeks back the pastor of my church spoke about Jesus' arrest (Mark 14:43-52).  He honed in on Judas and I began to see a fuller picture of who this man was and where he was going.  I believe Judas was on a mission.  He had big plans and high hopes when he began to follow Jesus.  It's pretty clear throughout the Gospels that each one of the disciples had clarity issues when it came to Jesus.  They were constantly perplexed by him, drawn in by him, challenged by him, but always confused when he brought up the topic of his his kingdom and his death.  I think they acted like I do when I don't understand something; I just sweep it under the rug, and pretend like it's going to happen like I think it will happen.

The disciples along with the Jewish nation were praying for and waiting for the Messiah-The One who would Save them from bondage.  When Jesus came, explaining to be The One, people were divided.  Is he the Messiah?  Has he come to save us?

Save.  That little word threw everyone's world into a tizzy.  The disciples and the Jews were convinced "Savior" meant salvation from the Romans.  The Jews were going to be in power once more.  It would be glorious, life would be better.  But we know the whole story.  Jesus came to save.  He came to save us from our sins, not the Roman Empire.

Judas was excited to be headed toward power, authority, and riches.  He thought Jesus would take him there.  After all, when Jesus, the Savior, overthrew those scummy Romans, who would he take with him to govern the people?  Surely the Twelve.

When Judas realized Jesus was not the "savior" he had in mind, it was time to bail.  Jesus was not going to make Judas rich and famous.  Jesus was not going to install Judas into power and authority in this earthly realm.

Judas was following Jesus for his own gain.  And when he realized Jesus' plans did not line up with his, he left.  The reality is, he traded Jesus out of greed for thing things of this world.  His heart lay on earthly things. Jesus could not be his Lord while he pursued the things of this world, therefore Judas could not truly follow Jesus because it meant giving up the treasures he held in great esteem within his depraved heart.

Does that hit your spirit?  Do you connect with that at all?

I am not far from being Judas.  I have caught myself "following hard after God," face on the ground praying, hands in the air worshiping, happy to follow Jesus.  Then, as quick as the tide changes, I find myself bailing, because God is not going where I wanted to go.  God is not fulfilling my desires on my timeline.  I find it hard to submit and think, "It's ok. I'll do it my way."

JMBarclay

At the beginning of this month Andy and I found a house that we liked and decided to jump into the world of home-ownership.  We were pummeled with new words like escrow (does that sound dirty to anyone?) and began to see the financial waters rise up to our little necks.  Wisdom was knocking at the door:  "Prepare your work outside; get everything ready for yourself in the field, and after that build your house."  Proverbs 24:27  Andy and I started to get the feeling that we were not quite ready for a mortgage and home repairs with our current financial situation.

To the outside world I boasted of my willing heart to say no to this house if it wasn't God's timing, but inwardly my heart wrapped around that yellow home with the wood floors and enough kitchen counter space to start my own bakery.  Though Wisdom was knocking, I was ignoring.  My treasure was owning a home, not following God.  At that present moment I did not care if in five months Andy and I might be in the kitchen with all that counter space wondering how we were going to manage our mortgage and school loans.  I began to stop caring about what God wanted; that house was going to be mine.

That is just one of my Judas moments, and probably not even the most recent.

But Andy and I made the hard decision and terminated the contract.  We knew that our desire for the house had grown larger than our desire to follow Jesus.  But the work of God's grace in our hearts is strong, and by grace we were able to say no to our dream and return Jesus to the throne of our hearts.  And we believe that the time will come where owning a home will be made possible by God without having to sacrifice Jesus' Lordship in our lives.

You and me, we're not far off, you see.  Our hearts are deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9) and instantly we can be lured away by the shiny things of this world.  But we're not far off from grace either.  In fact, grace is the very thing that teaches us to say no to ungodliness and worldly passions and live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in this present age (Titus 2:12).  And though our hearts will remain in tension, between loving the world and loving God, by his grace he is making us new everyday (2 Corinthians 4:16).

So next time you hear about Judas, just think about your current situation.  Is Jesus really your Lord?  Are you willing to really follow him?  Or will your heart remain ensnared in the fading trinkets of this world?

We All Need Somebody to Lean On

"Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow."

There I was, little fourth grade Lauren, throat a little parched, standing in a line with other fourth graders with fidgeting arms and wiggly little legs pretending to be brave.  We had just finished our best a capella rendition of Bill Wither's "Lean on Me" to audition for Shady Hill Elementary's Colt Songsters.  Oh how I want to be a Colt Songster and dress up in the maroon polyester jumper with starchy white shirt and poofy black hair bow that would inevitably block the face of whoever unfortunately had to stand behind a chubby, but long legged me.

Where were this singing warm-up animals 17 years ago?

Since that audition (I made it, by the way. . .everyone made it) "Lean on Me" has rooted itself deep into the folds of my brain and ever so often the tunes seem to resurrect themselves into the part of my brain that holds songs in constant play for days on end.  (It's better than a Blacked Eyed Peas song, right?)

Andy has had the pleasure of my musical accompaniment over the past few days as my shaky voice belts out the lyrics of my fourth grade audition.  Somehow the lyrics began to synchronize with a greater truth I heard in church a few Sunday's ago about friends, community, and suffering, and here I am putting the notes on electronic paper.  Maybe we can all sing-a-long now.


"Call on me, brother, if you need a hand, we all need somebody to lean on."

I think a few birthdays back my extrovert dial got twisted from a 9.8 to about a 4.  It's like I woke up and all of a sudden I wanted to be home as soon as possible with all the things that made me comfortable and be a private person who shares only the "good stuff" going on in my life.  Turning introvert was not so bad, it was the "hiding my boo-boo's, my want-to's, and my shouldn't-do's" from the world.  I didn't want help, and I didn't want anyone to know I needed help.

But, sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, and we definitely all have sorrow.  Whether it was our own mistakes that gave us pain, or someone else's decision that grieved us, we need people in our lives to speak truth, comfort, and even admonition our souls.  Being a hermit just makes us live in the stink of our own temporary shells.

Current series at New City Church.

Passion Week, the week that leads up to the death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ, is powerful; sorrowful yet full of joy, and if you look more closely there is so much going on that's been recorded for the strengthening of our faith.

Jesus, knowing he is about to be betrayed by his closest friends, murdered though he is innocent, and forsaken by God the Father, as the cup of God's wrath for all evil, sin, and disobedience is about to be poured on him, goes to a place called Gethsemane to pray.  He takes three of his best friends with him, Peter, James, and John, and Jesus's soul became overwhelmed to the point of death.  He asked his friends to keep watch and pray as he went on to pray to his Father.

I believe there is a principle here in these few verses:  bring your suffering to the light.  What I mean is, don't suffer alone.  God designed the Church to be a community where we come to share our lives with one another.  That means the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Jesus, in the midst of his deepest sorrow and suffering, didn't hide it from his friends, his disciples.  He took them with him and asked them to watch and pray.  Jesus still sought the Father individually, but involved his community.

I don't like to share my sorrow and suffering.  I certainly do not like to share my sin and struggles.  And when I don't, I retreat further from the plan of God.  We must make greater effort to bring our "stuff" into the light-to share it with our Bible believing, Jesus pursuing friends.  God created us for community and it is within the community that we find courage, help, healing, love, freedom, admonishment, and truth whether we're hurting or confessing sin.

Sometimes community is imperfect (you can read on in Mark 14:32-42 and see what happens when Jesus' friends are asked to pray with him), but that didn't stop Jesus from inviting his friends into his pain.

from IvoryJohn.com

It's hard, but God's grace is strong.

I'll tell you the truth.  It's hard for me to be real, to live my life in community.  I'm new at it.  For years I pretended to have it all together and to focus on helping others instead of allowing myself to be weak before my friends.  All that did was push me further into a shell of isolation with the ugly side of me and my wounds and failures.  No one to help.  No one to tell me truth.  No one to care.  All because I didn't want anyone to know.  So much pride in this temporal body.

I am making steps towards community and being honest.  First, Andy and I got involved at New City Church, and amazing gospel-centered, community oriented body of believers here in Denver.  Second, Andy and I are making efforts to connect with our brothers and sisters at New City and are starting to share our lives.  Third, I was able to be honest with a few key people about how hard facing heart surgery was and how my faith wavered continually.  I believe what is next is sharing more. . .and that's a little scary.

May we know the truth of God's plan for community (the Church) in our lives and pursue the grace that awaits us when we bring tough stuff into the light.  Because "we all need somebody to lean on."  

A little musical treat for you.

Restoring Spiritual Vision: How to avoid being ineffective and unproductive

I have been wearing glasses since 5th grade.  Yippee.  I wish wearing glasses made my eyesight magically better overtime, but instead my nearsighted vision has become my kryptonite.  I have coke-bottles for lenses and if I am without my glasses, contacts, or a seeing-eye dog, I will surely destroy something or endanger someone.  Last night I walked into the wall instead of the bathroom.  Whoopsies.

This morning I found a passage that talks about nearsightedness that can progressively turn into blindness.  But unlike my non-magical glasses, there is a cure for this vision, this spiritual vision.

Let's explore, shall we?

2 Peter 1:5-9  Peter talks to me.  "Make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge, and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.  For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in you knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.  But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins."  Aw snap.

First of all, prior to this Peter reminded me that through Jesus we have escaped the corruption of this world caused by evil desires and we can now participate in his great and very precious promises.  Therefore, make every effort, be diligent, (don't avoid or ignore), expend ourselves to add to our faith in Jesus these qualities.

Why?  First of all, because we get to!  Without Jesus, these qualities Peter lists would be impossible to grow in.  Second of all because it keeps God's children, his adopted sons and daughters, from becoming ineffective (see "bump on a log") and unproductive (see "facebook").

Making Every Effort

We Get To!  We get to continue to supplement our faith with goodness and then knowledge, and then self-control, (and then I start over because that's a hard one for me, but you keep going!).  

When we make every effort to add to our faith these qualities our salvation becomes more real to us because we are experiencing the divine nature of God at work within these brittle bones.  Our vision changes.  We see things the way God sees things.  We become motivated to live for Jesus instead of ourselves (and no offense, but that's a win for all of us).

Vision can also become impaired.  Peter warns that anyone who does not have these qualities lacks vision-he/she is spiritually blind and has forgotten that Jesus came and forgave the sins of the past!

When we don't take the time to seek God, to build our faith through Jesus' ability to help us grow in areas like perseverance and brotherly kindness, our ability to see slowly becomes fuzzy until we are walking in near darkness.

So, I prayed this morning, "God how do I possess these qualities in increasing measure?"  And this is what he said,

1. Ask and Listen to the Lord
Just before Peter lists the qualities we should be practicing and growing in, he says that God has given us EVERYTHING WE NEED for life and godliness.  In no way are we alone in the process.  In no way could we be alone.  By asking God and listening to what he has to say he can give us specific instruction (give money to student missions) or general instruction (show more mercy to your family).  Because God has given us his Spirit he is always at work and can help us continue to pursue growth.

2.  Read the Bible and discover God's promises.
There are hundreds, if not thousands of promises God makes to us in the Bible and 2 Corinthians 1:20 says, "For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'yes' in Christ."  We get the unbelievable privilege to participate in these promises.  As we find them in God's Word, and pray them, we surely will be making efforts to grow in these godly qualities.

3.  Go through each quality (gulp) and ask God how you can grow in the quality.
And praise him for his kindness and mercy to even show us!

I did a little of #3 this morning and found it didn't take long to hear from the Lord on some of these qualities. I would like to share a couple with you and you may check in with me to see how things are going.  You may also let me know what God says to you about these qualities.

Self-Control
I am a borderline tantrum throwing two year old sometimes.  I notice I can become quick to lose my temper in certain situations (like when my answer is the right answer or I have to wait to share my two-cents) and God immediately put on my heart James 1:19-20 "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteousness that God desires."  This specifically means I will be making every effort to respond kindly even if I'm frustrated (because my tongue may just catch the world on fire).

Godliness
(meaning devoutness or devotion to God)  Ok, so I've been home bound for awhile recovering.  For the most part each day is better and I am a little more active.  With all this time off I should have found plenty of time to seek Jesus, right?  Well, not when your facebook pictures are so precious, or your blog has the cutest craft I can't make!  When I got to godliness, God said, "Seek first my kingdom and my righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."  Matthew 6:33  So I am going to make every effort to seek him first thing in the morning through prayer and his Word.

Renewed Worship: I didn't die

My first thought when I woke up from the anesthesia of surgery was, "I didn't die."

Honestly, I really thought this whole open heart surgery was a 50/50 thing.  And while statistically the odds were strongly in my favor, I still wondered if I would breath my last on January 11, 2012.

Upon my return home I opened up the Bible to Psalm 40, and there, waiting for me, was a verse.  Have you ever had that moment?  The second you read over a verse it's like angels start singing and your brain cells start to jump around and your skin tingles?  Well, maybe it wasn't quite like that, but I do know God was speaking to me:

"He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."

Psalm 40:3

I'm no singer and my iTunes collection is about 120 strong, so I wondered what a verse like this was doing rooting itself deep in my heart.  Perhaps it was just a joyful noise at this new opportunity at life post surgery?  But as the days unfold, I am realizing it is much richer.

I am reading a book called Redemption-Freed by Jesus from the idols we worship and the wounds we carry by Mike Wilkerson.  Usually I skip the introductions in books, because, in my opinion, if it was worth reading it would have a "Chapter" in front of it.  Since being married, I am highly encouraged to not skip introductions and after reading this one, I wonder how much I've missed out on in life.  Still, if I ever write a book you can expect Chapter 1:  Introduction.  I digress.

Within these pages I am discovering true worship, renewed worship, and each day a layer of my heart is peeled back and affections for things beside God are revealed.  But greater than an exposure is a delightful revelation that humans are created to worship.  Mike Wilkerson says, "To not worship is to not live."  We worship what we live for and broadcast our affections to this world.  It is a constant stream of what we believe, why we get out of bed each morning, what we are really living for every day.  Wilkerson says we're like water hoses that cannot be shut off.  You can point the water at the grass, the car, the shrubs, but you can't turn it off.

We are worshippers, regardless of our goals, our spiritual beliefs, our political affiliations; we have chosen something to set our affections on and that steady stream of love will not be shut off during our time on earth.   Our hearts are singing, projecting love songs to something or perhaps someone.

I am a worshipper.  I am constantly choosing where my affections will go.  But now God is putting a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise, and I am humbly learning this new song.  And you know what, it's not about singing. . .it's about living.  

Fight for Joy

Advent is here. . .the joyful anticipation of Christ's birth and his return.  I love it.

This week's topic:  Joy

It's a hard one, joy.  Because in the midst of pain and suffering and in the midst of goodness and fun there is to be joy.  Joy because Christ reigns.  Joy because truth will prevail.  Joy because everything is being used to transform us to be more like our perfect Savior, Jesus.

So why do we have to fight for joy?  Because we forget why we have it in the first place.  Joy is bound to Jesus, yet our hearts seek communion with other things.  We stake our territory and fight for our will to be done, all the while forsaking joy.

I have to fight for joy.

Today was so difficult.  The approaching surgery is a source of anxiety, fear, and a ton of "what ifs."  I find myself in the dark room of Unknown, meditating on the mysteries of what hasn't come.  It drives me crazy.  I doubt God, I panic, and there is no rejoicing to be heard.  Then I fret.  How can someone who proclaims the love of Jesus doubt her Savior?!  Embarrassed, I tend to tuck in my fears to look presentable to the outside world, when really what's going on is, "What will happen?"  "What if I'm different?" "What if I die?" "What if I am unable to recover?" "What if my life capacity changes?"

I have to fight for joy.

Joy says that God is working for the good of those who love him and are called according to his good purpose (Romans 8:28).  The good God is referring to is the blessedness of becoming more like Jesus; conforming to him.

I can think of no better opportunity to conform than in the midst of pain, suffering, fear, and anxiety.

I have to fight for joy because in this world there are monstrous surges of not wanting to be like Jesus.  Of saying yes to me, to what feels good.  Saying yes to what I want when I want it.  Ignoring the call to submit to Christ and pretending my tiny acts of service are an acceptable substitute to following God.

I have to fight for joy because joy submits to God no matter what happens.  And there are lots of things I do not want to happen.

I have to fight for joy because joy has a grateful heart no matter what happens.  And like I said before, there are a lot of things I do not want to happen.

We have to fight for joy.

Today I am fighting.  I am slowly and painfully turning from my own desires and submitting to God.  And you know what, even though today has been hard, I feel so close to God and there is no where I'd rather be than with him.

With God the fullness of joy is found.

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Temper-what?!

"In the same way, the women are to be worthy of respect

not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything."

1 Timothy 3:11

Doing a little reading in 1 Tim the other day and my eyes run across this verse. I start start doing the definition thing, and "temperate" was not in my mental dictionary.  So I went to ol faithful (www.dictionary.com-maybe you've heard of it) and discovered a slue of convicting words attached to this seemingly non-threatening word.

TEMPERATE:  (adjective)

1.  moderate or self-restrained; not extreme in opinion or statement

"Lauren did not offer a temperate response when she decided to air her own opinion as fact."

2.  Moderate as regards indulgence of appetite or passion, especially in the use of alcoholic liquors.

"Lauren missed the temperate boat when she repeatedly visited the dessert section at Country Buffet."

3.  Not excessive in degree, as things, qualities, etc.

"Black Friday deals may be irresistible, but Lauren practices a temperate spirit by not hoarding all the BOGO items in JC Penneys."

As you can see, I did a little soul-searching with each definition.  Temperance is a mark of a godly woman.  This is something that can only be cultivated through Jesus-knowing and trusting him.

A temperate spirit will allow love to squelch our arrogance, idolatry, and greed, because our focus is off ourselves and on Jesus.  

Ok, your turn, try using "temperate" in a sentence :)